Sunday, November 20, 2011

what sparrow?

So last week, when I found out that AC probably has 4-6 months, maybe a year left (which is still unofficial, the results of her tests aren't back), like everyone who knows her I was stunned and devastated.  It would be awful if it happened to anyone, but this is a family that has already been through more hell than any one family should have to go through with their son's health.  About last Tuesday, I found myself thinking, if there were any chance that I could still believe in God, this would do it.  It's just not possible that God could come up with something this horrible.  But then a piece of my brain broke open and my own words came back into my head.  You don't get to define who God is, or what God is like. I can't make God into a softie that never lets children go to bed hungry, never lets kids die in car accidents the night they graduate from high school, never lets multiple horrible things happen to the same family.  But GOD DAMN IT I wish I could. 

I guess I'm not an atheist after all.  I've been suspicious about this for awhile.  God can't possibly resemble the warm fuzzy heavenly father I was raised to believe in, but I don't seem to be able to get rid of her.   Though who the hell knows why this particular totally and completely fucked situation is what it took for me to figure it out.

mordant humor is probably inappropriate here, but what the hell:   I can't quit you, God.


  1. There is a very fine line between laughing and crying. And going back to laughing again. Then crying....

  2. Hey Barb, Just catching up with everyone's posts. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend AC. Will be praying specifically for her. I understand your feelings, the age old "why" It is a nasty world we live in. And yet, there is beauty all around, especially when you look into a sweet baby's face. Take care and will be praying a LOT.

  3. I wish I was close enough to give you a hug. I'm not, though, so I'll be sending prayers for your friend and her family. (((hugs)))

  4. @julie -- me, too. :-)

    @Carol -- thank you for your prayers. I know what you mean about the beauty around us. I have to stop myself from feeling guilty for noticing it at the moment, though. Isn't that weird?

    @Delia-- thank you! they need all the prayers they can get. and thanks for the hugs for me, too.