Don't Worry, Be Happy

If you were around in the 80s, you will forever be subject to Bobby McFerrin's goofy acapella version of "Don't Worry, Be Happy" popping into your brain at various different times for no apparent reason.  And I just put it there again, sorry about that. But it's the jumping off point for today's discussion. 

Another phrase popular about the same time was a self-help book titled "Don't sweat the small stuff," subtitled, "It's all small stuff."  You could argue, I suppose, that both the song and the book were a pop culture reaction to some particular social trigger that I can't figure out.  But both McFerrin's song and that book bugged me.  I finally read the book (years ago) just to see exactly what it meant.  I kept waiting for him to say something along the lines of "Don't sweat the small stuff" so that you will have enough energy left for the things that aren't small stuff.  Because some things are actually pretty large stuff.

But he never got there.  He really did think that everything was small stuff.  Based on the examples he gave, it seemed to me to be a blatant excuse for blowing off responsibilities you didn't want to deal with--a difficult marriage, demanding children, a dead-end job--and just doing whatever the hell you wanted.  Which is not to say there isn't a limit to how long you should stay in an unhealthy situation, but just that blowing it off because it's "small stuff" is cowardice.  Man up, as it were.  Do your best to figure things out, and then if you have to exit the situation, own it.  Don't just dismiss your part in it by saying it wasn't important.

So where were we, because that isn't what I was planning to write about when I sat down.  Oh, yeah, worries.  A long time ago I talked about how bad I am at meditation.  That hasn't changed.  But I find the process useful as a way of dealing with worries.  There are things that are worth worrying about-- kids, work issues, plot points in your work in progress-- and sometimes worrying can help you pay enough attention to something to work out solutions. 

But often worrying is a waste of time.  Meditation helps me to sort out what is worth worrying about-- i.e., paying some extra time and attention to thinking about an issue-- and things that I have absolutely no control over and thus are not worth worrying about.  Worrying about MadMax's sudden behavior problems when he was in first grade helped me focus on solutions to the problem (including several conversations with his wonderful teacher); worrying that these behavior issues would cause him to be a social pariah for the rest of his life and he would never have any friends and would flunk out of school and be an utter failure for the rest of his life-- well, that part was not helpful at all.  Especially since the behavior issues turned out to be temporary. 

So even though I was bad at it (meditation), I kept trying.  After several months trying unsuccessfully to do it the traditional way--not that it wasn't helpful, and I learned a lot, but it was so entirely unsuccessful that it was discouraging to keep trying to do it--I hit on a method that worked pretty well for me.  At least once or twice I day, I would just sit down, do a big exhale, and let go of all the things I was stressing about.  Maybe they were trivial things, maybe they were important, but just for a minute or two, I would let it all go. 

At first this was accompanied by having to mentally assure myself that the problems weren't going anywhere, I could start worrying about them again in a couple of minutes, but for just that minute I was going to relax and let them slide off my shoulders.  Sometimes I would even have to spend a minute or two writing them all down, because it was so hard to let go of them that having a written record would assure me that I could remember to start worrying about all of them again when I was done.

But after a few weeks of working on it, I could short-hand all that into the big exhale and just let go.  If you're a religious person, it can be really helpful to tell yourself that you are giving all those things into God's keeping, but it doesn't have to have a religious context.  Either way, it's a way of admitting that I can't control everything, that I'm not in charge, that I'm only playing a small part in the grand scheme of things.  And somehow after I did that, I would be more clear about which worries I needed to pick back up and which ones were not worth the energy. 

Anyway.  I got so intensely stressed this past semester while working on my thesis that I couldn't do it anymore.  I couldn't even let go of my worries--big and small--for a minute.  And I'm paying the price now.  I've had about a month of the worst migraines I've had in years.  I had one this week that might be the worst one I've ever had.  ugh. 

Hmmm.  This one may be continued, because it doesn't quite feel done.  What do you do to deal with stress and worries?