Saturday, August 07, 2010

in which I wallow, but only for a moment

As I've said about a gazillion times, we've been out of town or out of internet-range or just dadgum busy a lot this summer.  So I haven't been keeping up with some of the things on the web that I usually check on a regular basis.  I had skimmed through enough a couple of days ago to realize that there had been quite a-- um, well for lack of a better word-- brouhaha in the one blog community I read daily, but I didn't have time to read through the comments, and I hadn't really figured out what happened.  So this morning I sat down and spent a couple of hours reading through a whole bunch of posts.  The stuff from this week was so interesting that I never even made it to last week when I was actually out of town.

One of the things that fascinates me most is how this group of women (and it is mostly women, though there are a few brave guys that occasionally post) are all engaging exactly the same issues that I've been working through myself.  On the one hand, this is comforting (I'm not alone), and it is also encouraging (I hope it is indicative of a sea change that's going on in a far broader context of how women see themselves and the world).  There are probably a couple dozen that post regularly, and another couple dozen that post occasionally, and who knows how many more who read but never post-- that's at least a couple hundred women who are out there thinking about this stuff.  Watching all those interactions is what has me hooked on reading this blog.  Lucy, the owner of the blog, is amazing, funny, and wise, but it is the community of responses in all their amplifications, disagreements, asides, snickers, and differing perspectives that is what really makes it worth reading.  And it astonishes me how often the issues expressed are almost exactly the same things I've been thinking about, too.  If I didn't already believe in some sort of collective unconscious, this would probably do it.

But on the other hand, in terms of my own blog, it is discouraging.  Because I have this very strong feeling of "What's the point?" now about several of the posts I've been meaning to write.  When we got back from vacation last weekend, I actually sat down and made a list of half a dozen posts I'd thought up while I was sitting at the beach and watching the waves roll, and only one of them hasn't been covered in some way over at that community.  And of course, since there is an entire community of women built up over there, they've said it far better, more eloquently, more wittily, and with more perspective than I will ever have.  I don't think it's jealousy--I'm familiar with that one, and this doesn't feel like that.  I just feel discouraged.

Which is odd.  I'm trying to sort through this and figure out why I should keep going.  I mean, I'm probably not going to quit, because I've had a blog for almost seven years now, so obviously there is something about it that works for me.  But it's hard for me to expect anyone to want to read it.  If it's just derivative, just re-hashing the same old things that someone else is doing better, then what's the point?  I can't tell you how many times over the past six months I've thought about closing down this blog and starting another one that nobody knows about so I can be boring and derivative and no one will have to know or be bothered about it.  Which is SO bizarre.  I mean, what would be the point of THAT?  Just blogging to the universe, with no one to read it?

And when I had that thought, I sat there practically with my jaw hanging open and realized-- is that what this does for me?  is it a substitute for prayer?  I'm spilling my guts out there and hoping that God gets it?  Oh. My. Gosh.

Well, OK, that is original.  Nobody said that over there.  lol.  ok, now I'm cracking myself up.

I turned off comments on this post because the last thing I want is for my poor readers to feel compelled to boost my sagging ego.

OK, I picked a bad day to link.  I will fix it to a better one sometime soon..  Hope no one was offended by the inanity.