Friday, April 26, 2013

in which Aunt BeaN waxes neurotic

I don't know if you can tell from the few posts I've done over the past month or so, but things have been a bit rough for me lately.  For one thing, I've started having headaches again.  Lots of them.  In the past four months, I've had almost as many days with headaches as without--sometimes just a low-level irritating ache, sometimes full-on miserable migraines.  It's frustrating and irritating and makes me grumpy as hell.  Just ask my family.

I want to be able to overcome them through force of will.  Other people don't have chronic headaches, so it must be some flaw in me that makes this happen, right?  So if I do everything right, get all my ducks in a row and avoid caffeine and sugar and make sure I get daily exercise and take my vitamins and meditate daily and and and, then they'll stop, right?  I can control them.  I know I can. *grits teeth and mutters must. be. in. control.*

But it never seems to work that way.  Doing everything just right seems to work for some people, but for some reason it doesn't work for me.  Dean is naturally one of the people who can accomplish pretty much whatever he wants through force of will.  But when I try it, first of all I can never quite manage to get it 100% right-- there are always those moments of weakness where I choose the iced latté or I forget to meditate or I just freaking don't want to exercise today.

But also it turns into a kind of moral perfectionism--an insistence that if I do what I'm supposed to do, I've paid my dues and everything in my life should turn out just right, because damn it I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to do so I deserve the life I think I should have, a life that fits in with some mythical standard in my head of what it should be like.

And that never works.  When I state it baldly like that, the flaws in my logic are clear-- bad things happen to people who are doing everything right.  There are no guarantees.  Just because you go to church and say your prayers and pay your taxes doesn't mean you get a guarantee that everything will turn out fine. And anyway, what I "should" want has absolutely no bearing on anything.

The frustration for me comes because it looks like other people can get this to work.  They do what they're supposed to do, and it works--they're healthy and happy and functional.  When I do all the things I believe I'm supposed to do, I am restless.  (Suddenly we aren't just talking about headaches.)  I want to be like everyone else.  I'm willing to lop off arms and legs and ideas and dreams to fit into my idea of what my life should be like.

But then I get the headaches.  And I'm not happy.  No matter how badly I want to be able to be happy with the things I think I'm supposed to be happy with, I'm not.  Maybe I should be grateful for the headaches, yes?  And maybe I should recognize that I don't know what the hell is going on in anyone else's life.  When I look enviously at someone who looks like they've got everything going the way they want it, it may be a reflection of my own insecurities I see, my need to beat myself up, not anything real.

Is this making even the slightest bit of sense?  Funny, as I'm thinking back over times in my life when I've had bad bouts of headaches, every time it has served to nudge me out of a rut of determination to make myself fit into someone else's life.  (or my idea of what someone else's life is like.)  And no one does this to me--it's my own determination, my own self pressuring me.  I'm fricking fifty-one years old and I'm still figuring this stuff out.  This seems like something you should deal with when you're 25.

See?  measuring myself by a mythical Someone Else's standards.  There's a phrase going around on Fitocracy and Facebook these days that I should have tattooed on my wrist so I can see it all the time:  Comparison is the thief of joy.

16 comments:

  1. Stop looking at other people. Just look at you. What makes you sing? What makes you feel, when you are doing it, in the zone? What responsibilities do you want to get rid of, wish you'd never taken it on, haven't enjoyed a single minute of? Does the thought of going on vacation or retreat by yourself for an entire week, all alone, fill you with longing or horror? Imagine your life without a piece of it (person, work, chickens, whatever) and feel how that makes you feel.

    All of that is you, no one else. Tackle one bit and see how you can move closer to it. Don't worry if no one else would or wants to or did it twenty years younger. This is you.


    And why can I tell other people this and still not be able to do it myself???
    *climbing off my soapbox and out of my therapy office now*

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    1. oh, lord, a whole week to myself? longing. Definite longing. I have a dream of spending a week at the Oregon coast in a little house with a rocking chair on the porch so I can just watch the waves for hours at a time. Someday I will make it happen. Maybe someday soon, even. I like the idea of taking it a bit at a time--there are some things I can work on now that would help.

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    2. I am currently longing for that week alone like I might long for water in a desert or air on the moon. Maybe we could get two little houses near each other?

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    3. you know, my need for it has become a bit more urgent the last few days, that sounds DIVINE. I don't think I can manage a week at the oregon coast this year but I'm working on a less drastic few days here locally that might work pretty easily, hope you can find something similar.

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  2. I deal with low-level inflammation in my joints (fingers, hips, ankles, etc) all the time and I, too, have this fantasy that if I do everything (including holding my tongue) just right ... then it will all get better.

    I am so sorry about the headaches. The thing that comes to mind immediately is no more classes - I don't know about you but I'm addicted to school, to the intellectual stimulation that comes from all that reading. But, here I am, trying to find that "fix" instead of just sympathizing.

    Nothing makes my arthritis/low-level inflammation disappear. It waxes and wanes. Sorry dear. Thanks for whining - I can totally relate.

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    1. I didn't know that (about the joint pain). We will have much to discuss this summer. The withdrawal from school has occurred to me, too. I'm pretty sure that if I were getting the teaching job at the community college I would have heard by now, so I'm starting to look around for other things. But I will also call them next week to see what's up. And bless you for saying "thanks for whining" -- I was feeling guilty for a whole post of whining, but it got you to comment, so it was worth it. :-)

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  3. 1. Comparing your inside to someone elses outside is not good for you.
    2. I'm 43 amd also still figuring it out, you are not alone in this at all.
    3. Have you tried ginger for the headaches?
    Feeling really short and to the point today :)

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    1. ginger for the headaches? I haven't heard that. A friend recommended peppermint oil last week, which I'd never tried, so I went out the same day and got some and have used it 2-3 times now. It does help--it worked about as well as advil the first time I tried it--but it's not strong enough for the severe migraines. I'll google around about using ginger, I love the smell of ginger anyway. "Comparing your inside to someone elses outside is not good for you" --that is a great way to say it. Thank you.

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    2. OK, for anyone else who is reading and is interested in this, here is a site with info about using ginger for migraines. I will go get some this weekend. A new whole foods grocery store opened up about two miles from my house this week!! so this will be easy.

      http://voices.yahoo.com/migraine-headache-relief-treatment-ginger-8565787.html?cat=68

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  4. I am so freaking sorry that you have to deal with pain. And no, Dear Friend, NONE of us has this shit figured out! NO ONE!
    No!!! ONE!!!

    Second, how did I miss two posts? Did you put them up later? There was one about journaling that I totally would have commented on if I'd seen it. And the teaching choices? Damn, let's blame the deputy's days off again. (That's a great excuse.)

    Get to that Oregon Coast cabin, I'll be there right behind you. We don't have to talk, just hang out on the porch.
    (Hell, who am I kidding, you KNOW we'd talk. I'll arrive a few days after you then, that way you'll get quiet time before I show up.)

    Lastly, I recommended peppermint oil to Diva last year, she found it worked off and on, glad to hear that ginger is also an option. Have you tried menthol crystals? (They sound so cool in their tiny plastic bags.)

    Be well, be healthy, be you.

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    1. OK, if I ever do get to spend my week at the Oregon coast, you will have a reserved spot on the porch next to me and we can talk talk talk. I like the idea of you coming out a few days after I get there, that way I will be ready for company. This is sounding like a better plan all the time! The journaling and teaching choices posts were up for a few days, then down for a few, and then up again, so completely my fault for confusing you. :-)

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  5. "Comparison is the thief of joy. " Brilliant.

    I have chronic migraines but I just depend on drugs, man. (Amitriptyline, Gabapentin.) I remember what it was like having headaches every day--totally exhausting. FGBVs.

    And FGBVs towards living your own life, too, your own way. We all like you very much!

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    1. oh, believe me, I take plenty of drugs. You wrote about gabapentin a couple of weeks ago, which I had never heard of. Next time I see my internist I'm going to ask. Thanks, Mabel.

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  6. OK, I have now written out "Comparison is the thief of joy" and prominently displayed it where I sit to do work and look at other photographer's work which immediately makes me feel inferior. SOOO sorry to hear about the headaches. Headaches, even low level ones, sap all energy and creativity. And Cheery-O may have a point about the school (which isn't a surprise to me knowing her level of intelligence).

    And I just realized that I get to see BOTH of you this summer. That will make me happy all day.

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    1. I know, I am really looking forward to that week! Bonus that you will be there! I've been working on our plane reservations (surprisingly complicated due to needing to go to Portland, OR in the same trip), which always gets me excited about a trip. (and thank you for the sympathy about headaches, too.)

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